


Raising Children: A Guide for the Average Mercenary

by leocey



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Fluff, Goofs and Laughs, Kidfic, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-08 21:54:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10397007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leocey/pseuds/leocey
Summary: Sniper and Spy find a baby on their doorstep. Shenanigans ensue.





	

".....Mick, there's a child on our doorstep."  
"Yeah, sure there is. Also, our. Aww, my campervan is 'ours.'"  
"Mick. I am not joking. There is an infant here."  
The Sniper leans out from the campervan's bed a little, pulling away his cigarette and glancing at the other man. "Sure, love- Holy shit. That's an infant."  
The Spy picks up the bundle, cradling it. It didn't cry, like Sniper had assumed babies who were alive did. Its skin contrasted to the usual drab colors in the van, being pink and new and fresh- oh God, how long had that baby been sitting out in the desert sun on the hot metal stairs of Sniper's campervan?!  
Sniper says the first question that pops into his mind, like an idiot.  
"Is it alive?"  
"It's breathing, yes."  
"How long was it out there? Does it have a note or anything?"  
"I don't know. I don't think people who leave their babies by campervans care much for their welfare, and definitely not enough to leave a note."  
Sniper crawls out of bed reluctantly, stretching and meeting the Spy at the couch.  
"So, boy or girl..?"  
"Girl. I checked."  
"Huh."  
"Huh, indeed, mon cheri."  
Sniper looks at the child. He looks at her eyes, her nose, her little rosy cheeks- shit, he's got the urge to protect her, don't he?  
"We should take her to the clinic in Teufort, shouldn't we?"  
Spy sighs. "I suppose our desert trip can be interrupted for a child's welfare."

 

\------

The baby is healthy. She is a she, she's around eight pounds and three ounces. She's got no illnesses or anything that the doc can see, and she's around a week old. Spy pays and thanks the doctor while Sniper fusses over the baby- she's so small!  
When they get back to the campervan, Sniper lets Spy drive the van for the first time. He wants to hold the baby.  
"So... We're just holding onto her until we can find her some folks?"  
"I suppose, yes. It doesn't seem right to keep her if her dads will be fighting in a war constantly."  
"We'll manage, I'm sure."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Er, mostly. I'll ask Truckie for help, he can make some sorta gadget to help her out, and Pauling will want to help, you know her whole 'help the fellow gays' thing, Doc can help with formula and the stuff, ya know, uh, I'm sure the others can help too.."  
"Hm. Sounds alright."  
"Really?"  
"Really."  
Sniper looks back down at the bundle in his hands. She's soft, sleeping still. "What's her name?"  
"What?"  
"We haven't given her a name yet. She needs one."  
"Well, do you have any ideas?"  
"How about- Michelle, or Karen, or, maybe she seems like a Tracey.."  
"Those are all terrible names. No offense, cheri."  
"None taken. Well, do you have any ideas?"  
Spy parks the van at its usual spot next to the RED base, glancing down at the bundle.  
He thinks of his childhood. He thinks of an old face he used to know; he remembers simpler times.  
"Amélie," He says.  
"Hm. French-sounding. Fancy."  
"Yes, I would assume so, because it is from France, where I am from."  
"I like it. Amélie, then?"  
"Amélie."  
Sniper looks back down at the baby.  
Amélie. It's a perfect name for her. He smiles. She opens her eyes for the first time so far- she has beautiful, beautiful blue eyes, just like his Spy's. He smiles at her. She blinks those sapphire eyes of hers.  
He's so happy. 

\--------

It's the first day back for work.  
Everything is supposed to be normal. Spy went back to the base, leaving Sniper with Amélie, and he couldn't bear to leave her alone all day. Besides, he hasn't talked to Truckie or the Doc or anyone in forever outside of battle, so telling them he has a kid now and asking for help is just.. weird.  
So he attaches the baby to his back. With a harness. Same one he uses for the razorback.  
He's sure there's some joke to make here about the razorbaby, or something. He'll think about it later.  
Hey, Spook won't stab the baby, and he's pretty sure she'll respawn. Plus, he'll make sure she's okay. He positions himself at a decent enough spot, a ledge with good enough sightlines safe enough to respawn for any emergencies, and starts his work.  
"MICHAEL MUNDY! IS THAT OUR BABY ON YOUR BACK?!"  
His thoughts are interrupted by a french scream. He ducks to his cover, setting the rifle down.  
"Shshshsh- Yes, it is, shush-"  
"Mick! Mick, dear god, oh my god, Mick, why are you like this-"  
"It's not that big of a deal."  
The Spy unstraps the baby frantically, grabbing at the straps and freeing the child.  
"Mick, oh my god, Mick, yes this is a big deal-"  
"Calm down, René."  
"You don't get to use that name when you just tried using our baby as a knife shield!"  
"I thought she'd be comfy back there, and you wouldn't stab anyway, I just figured it'd be okay, and also that you could check up on her before you stabbed me-"  
"That'd get blood on the baby, you buffoon!"  
"Well, maybe the baby should get used to the blood."  
"Oh my god, did you really just say that?"  
"Yes, I did."  
"I can't believe I trusted you with childcare. Give me the baby-"  
"No-!"  
"Fine, then I'm grabbing the baby- Yes, see, she's much more safe now. Shhshsh. Papa's gonna take care of you, alright, mon petit choux, hush,"  
Amélie cries. She belts her heart out, and Spy cradles her close to his heart.  
"If you'll just give her here, I can stop her whinin'-"  
"No, you can't, you imbecile."  
"Don't call me that, it hurts my feelings."  
"Your feelings are important, but not as important as the baby not dying."  
"Are you suggesting you might've stabbed her?"  
"No! No, never, never! Never ever, dear god, don't suggest that, Mick."  
"Okay, I'm sorry."  
The pair hushes up as they hear footsteps, from some source- the baby won't stop crying, Amélie squeals and yells and god, they are not going anywhere.  
Spy arms the invisiwatch, grabs the baby and the harness, and runs to a corner as fast as he can. He cradles her and rocks her, he tries his best to shush her, and eventually it comes down to muffling her with other tools he has.  
He straps the child to his front and runs as fast as he can. He hears sounds coming from the room Sniper's in, but he ignores them. He makes it to a safe place, unstraps Amélie, and cradles her close to his heart.  
"It's alright, mon petit choux," He whispers. "Je t'aime."  
He boops her nose. She looks at him curiously, and he does it again. He giggles. She looks at him curiously, just the same.  
He begins to hum an old song from his childhood.  
"Humming" becomes a lullaby. Amélie seems to enjoy it well enough, well enough that she falls asleep before the BLU team inevitably loses.  
Spy's sitting in a corner, his cloak up, a baby in his arms. The RED Engineer walks into the room with his gun drawn for the humiliation round, only to see the BLU Spy with a baby.  
"Yours?" The Engineer asks.  
"Y-Yes," Spy responds, quickly and faintly.  
"This ain't a good place for children."  
"You think I don't know that?"  
The Engineer gestures out of the door. Spy gives him a head's nod as thank you for his mercy, and dashes as quickly as he can to the campervan with his baby.  
Misses Amélie Michelle Mundy-DeLaCroix.  
Beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thanks for reading this series I'm planning on continuing. It's betaread by my dearest friend Hana (zo0ty-b0oty,) and if you like it, kudos are always appreciated!  
> Hit me up at fizhbones.tumblr.com !


End file.
